Light the Family Man
by KitsunesEmber
Summary: Meet the very dysfunctional family- Light as the husband, L as the wife, Mello and Near as the childern, and Misa as the dying dog who lives in the basement. L struggles to keep the family together as he suspects his husbands cheating on him.


_Meet the very dysfunctional family- Light as the husband, L as the wife, Mello and Near as the childern, and Misa as the dying dog who lives in the basement. L struggles to keep the family together as he suspects his husbands cheating on him._

--

"I'm 54.7 percent sure that I've added enough sugar to this recipe, but there can never be enough sugar!" And with that, L reached for the sugar shaker, making sure to only put in the necessary amount, when he unscrewed the cap, dumping the whole thing in.

Near peered over the top of the couch looking at his "mother" who was prancing around the kitchen in a pink frilly aprin, meticulously tasting each of his fabulous dishes.

"Moooooooooom..." No answer. "Moooooooooooooooooooooooom." No answer. "MooooOoooOoooooOooooommmmmm!" L ran to the oven, which was now emitting a thick black smoke.

"What Near? WHAT?!"

"...I've got the munchies," Near said, grumbling into a pillow. "I'm gonna get a snack." He flopped off the couch onto is belly and began shuffling through his box of toys until he found some tasty leggos to gnaw on.

"If you eat now you'll spoil your dinner" L said; still attending to his cooking. "And get your brother to help set the table."

"He's gone."

"What do you mean he's gone?!" L whipped around.

"He's been gone since three this morning."

"That's what that noise was? I thought that that was just Mikami the neighborhood stalker. He always seems to be up at that hour. And by the way, is your window locked?" He sighed turning back to the oven. "Mello is just like your father. He never calls and he never checks in. He has no idea how much I worry." Near took his toy out of his mouth and went to his mother's side.

"Don't worry, I'm sure they'll both be home soon."

"Then we better have a hot meal ready for when they get home."

L and Near sat at the table in an uncomfortable silence for several minutes, and nothing could be heard but the quiet barking of Misa downstairs, begging for food.

"I don't know how you kids talked me into letting you keep that 'thing'." L stated while shoving food into his mouth. "You promised you would take care of it, but look at it. The only thing thats keeping it alive is the rats in the basement. I would feed it myself, but i don't like going down there."

"Well dad's the one that put it down there."

"Well it's not his fault the damn thing tries to hump is leg every time he goes near it!"

"I didn't even want it. Mello's the one that brought it home. I wanted the Pomeranian." Near said unenthusiastically as he formed a pyramid out of his mashed up food remains.

L sighed and grumbled something incomprehencable as he picked at his food. There were several more minutes of silence, until Light walked through the door. He dropped his coat on the floor and lazily made way over to the dinning area where he saw his "wife" perched on a chair and his suspiciously pale son still in his pajamas for the third day that week.

Light glanced at the table and growled exasperatedly, "Can't a man come home to a meal that doesn't consist of pastries and sweets? Can't you learn how to actually cook?"

"Well I'm sorry that I slave over this oven day after day and bake with LOVE, eagerly waiting for you to get home. And the only one I have to talk to is my son who never even speaks and the other who god doesn't know where he is half the time!" L waved his fork in the air gesturing at the empty seat to his right.

"Don't start this again. Not now." He filled his empty plate with an assortment of sugary treats.

"So why didn't you call?" L glanced at Light, then his cupcake as he anxiously bit his thumb. He waited a moment and started again. "W..was it because you were with someone else? Someone important?" Near threw his fork down and left the table.

"Where are you going?" L shrieked.

"I am getting some milk if you must know, mother." He said as he opened the fridge for his much needed dairy product.

"Don't use that tone with me young man!"

"He's obviously just angry and confused because you always take things too far!" Light said dramatically as he put down his fork and defended his son.

L said through his tears, "There's another man isn't there?!"

At that moment Mello burst through the door. "Noone follow me!" He quickly whipped around the corner until he found his room; slamming the door behind him.

The room was quiet for a moment. Still pouring his milk, Near smirked, "Do his pants look tighter to anyone else?"

L and Light exchanged glances. "I'll go talk to him." Before he turned the corner, "And we're still not done here." L pointed menacingly at Light. Near rejoined the table with his full glass of milk.

"So, um, how was school?" Near looked at his father, considered answering the question, but went back to eating.

--

L stood outside Mello's door, listening carefully for a clue of what events were unfolding on the other side. What he heard was shuffling and muffled curses that soon resulted in something being knocked over.

"Fuck!"

L opened opened the door slightly and knocked gently on the frame.

"Mello? d-dinners been ready for quite a while. Ummm, your father and I are very concerned."

Mello then leaped to his sock drawer, shut it, and sat infront of it, attempting nonchalance.

"Mello, what is that? What are you hiding? Is it porn? Don't tell me your father gave you that! and god help you if its straight!"

"It's not porn, they're just socks!"

Near walked by singing, "Choooocolaaaaaaaate."

"Get out! Both of you!"

L gave an aggravated sigh, "I thought you got over your addiction?! You've been clean for two months now!"

"You don't know what goes on in my life! And it doesn's help when all you make is PASTRIES with no chocolate or even brown frosting! It's all pink! PINK! You know how i feel about pink!"

"I took chocolate off the menu to help you get over this. So you could change! but it all just went to Near's thighs!"

"...Well...did you ever stop to think that I was happy? That I liked being the way I was?" L gave a blank stare.

"You were happy being addicted to chocolate bars like a pmsing girl?"

"Maybe I like being that way!"

"Ok, Mello, I'll try to be more understanding and see things from your perspective. Just... make it a little easier." L sighed and began to walk away.

"Oh, and mom? I invited a friend over for later. That's ok, right?"

"Ooooo they can join us for family fun night!" L shrieked in delight at the thought of his son having a friend.

"No...we're just gonna hang out here..."

"Well at least say hi to us before disapearing into your room." L said. He had been hoping that maybe if Mello had a friend with him, he would actually enjoy family fun night for once.

--

This was co-written by three idiots after many months of planning and finally thrown together at the last minute.

yaaay hope you enjoyed it. More chapters will be up soon (eventually).


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